English Editing in Quebec: Avoiding Wordiness

Plain language communicates written messages clearly and concisely. This is true whether you’re editing stand-alone English copy or translating from other languages. In my experience as an editor and translator, I have had to work with a number of stiff and wordy texts. I usually start by asking, “What needs to be improved?” Should I focus on improving overall flow? Style? Awkward grammatical syntax? Can a number of wordy structures be streamlined to one or two words?

One of the tips we learn in writing techniques courses is to avoid wordiness: don’t use more words than necessary. We can apply this idea when translating. Consider the following common structures in French copy:

• la (une) [grande] majorité de + noun
• sur une base annuelle
• de manière [plus] productive et efficace
• les informations qui se trouvent à la page X
• en raison de (or du, des, de la) + noun
• assurer le développement et la mise en valeur de (or du, des, de la) + noun
• afin de (d’) + verb

When writing a draft translation, we might go straight to knee-jerk equivalents:

• the (vast) majority of + noun
• on an annual basis
• in a (more) productive and effective manner
• the information that can be found on page X
• due to the fact that
• see to the development and showcasing of + noun
• in order to + verb

But most of these English equivalents can be shortened, leaving the overall meaning intact. Here are some suggestions:

Original French text	Wordy translation	Shorter translation	Example
la [grande] majorité de + noun	the [vast] majority of + noun	most	La grande majorité de la population canadienne est en faveur de la légalisation de la marijuana. Most Canadians support the legalization of marijuana.
sur une base annuelle	on an annual basis	annually	Les informations sont mises à jour sur une base annuelle. This information is updated annually.
de manière [plus] productive et efficace	in a [more] productive and effective manner	[more] productively and effectively	Le Comité permanent aurait pu terminer de manière plus productive et efficace si tous les documents avaient été prêts plus tôt. The Standing Committee could have ended more productively and effectively if all documents had been prepared earlier.
les informations qui se trouvent à la page X	the information that can be found on page X	the information on page X	Les informations qui se trouvent à la page 23 sont la base de ma présentation. The information on page 23 forms the basis for my presentation.
en raison de (du, des, de la)	due to the fact that	owing to, because, since or another appropriate equivalent	En raison d’une baisse de taux de croissance économique, il faut s’attendre à des répercussions sur les revenus du gouvernement. Owing to (or Because of) a drop in the economic growth rate, expect an impact on government income.
assurer le développement et la mise en valeur de (du, des, de la) + noun	see to the development and showcasing of + noun	develop and showcase + direct object	Pierre Boisvert assure le développement et la mise en valeur du Grand Orgue Pierre-Béique de l’OSM1. Pierre Boisvert develops and showcases the OSM Grand Orgue Pierre-Béique.
afin de (d’) + verb	in order to + verb	to + verb	L’équipe de la sécurité du relais de flamme olympique de Vancouver 2010 collabore étroitement avec les services de police… afin d’assurer le bon déroulement de l’événement. The Vancouver 2010 Olympic Torch Relay Security Team works closely with local police … to facilitate the smooth progress of the relay.

 

What are some common French structures that you see in copy? Most importantly, how do you shorten long-winded prose in English? Do your clients understand the importance of concise writing?

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¹ OSM = Orchestre symphonique de Montréal, informally known as the Montreal Symphony Orchestra in English-language circles.